The Will to Live...Not my Natural State

When I Lose the Will to Live

I don’t have any gray area…despite an amazing recovery from a life-long depression, I still go straight from “everything is fine” to “I want to die.” Though I keep a long list of "Reasons to Live" right beside my desk...my tendency is to lose that will, sometimes suddenly. Fortunately I can usually remedy it these days with...a nap.

This feeling could be brought on by something catastrophic such as the loss of a close friend or I say, only half-jokingly something as simple as a bad hair day…or a hangnail. My awareness that it passes quickly helps me cope these days. For much of my life it was a challenge to survive such times, as I would totally lose the will to live in a flash.

Fortunately the Universe saw fit to ignore my many pleas for death as I waded through a lifetime of depression; either low-grade chronic or acute episodes, it didn’t matter. My connectedness to this life is tenuous on the surface and only slightly less flimsy on the metaphysical level. 

Today, with depression in the rear view mirror, I can joke about it. But for 40 years of my lifetime, it was the set of circumstances that ruled me. Even now, in the best of times, I’m ready and willing to die when my time comes. Some might say eager. To me, after intensive physical and metaphysical study, it’s just going home...and sometimes we all get homesick.

While that serves me in my work with those who are actively dying – my lack of fear seems to buoy them up to face their fears – it has been a struggle in other areas of life. For example the sudden draining away of life energy for seemingly minor problems. A curse…and a gift.

Talking to a lovely friend who is, in fact, facing end of life issues and illustrating this analogy as regards going into hospice, I said that hospice is there for you when you lose the will to live. "Hospice", I said, "is the best way to stay alive when you're dying." 

People who go into hospice early in the process feel better and even flourish as they continue their path to end of life. Many who were overwhelmed by the simplest tasks find renewed energy when hospice is present. 

Hospice, as I said to my friend, will “clip your potentially fatal hangnail” before you even notice it.

When my time comes, I’m calling hospice the first moment. I know that they can help with pain management and emotional stability as well as the myriad of things we need to decide upon when there is, in fact, time at the end of life. Though we all want to “die in our sleep” after a long and healthy life, I may be a little disappointed if I drop dead suddenly and miss the chance to be in hospice. I want to be pampered to death by that amazing program. The level of care, of pure humanity in those organizations is as close as we come to getting health care right.