Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive...

Surgery is over. It went well. I'm alive and, apparently now cancer free. I've had lots of company and phone calls. My body is sore from not being able to move around much. Not supposed to move the boob much so can't use my left arm very much. But I'm doing OK. 

Despite taking showers, I don't like how I smell...must be some left over medicine or the remnants of illness working its way out of me. My sensitive nose. But then, there is a big hole healing in my boob trying to heal. It's clean and clear; no goo or infection…I just don’t like the smell of the medical industrial complex on my skin (or, in this case, IN my skin!)

My sheets, however, are in the washer as we speak. I will figure out how to make the bed with one arm! I need to be clean and sleeping clean. I’m naked now, walking around with the bandages showing…just letting that be the new normal. There are gaping holes. There will be scars. Get used to it!

Of course the docs want me to go ahead and have radiation, which means they will be disappointed! But it was, as I suspected, an anomaly. And it’s gone…leaving me with Sponge Bob Square Boob…but it’s OK at this point because it’s GONE! 

They "got it all". It was stage 1A, clean margins, no node involvement. I will see the doc soon for the one week exam and steri strip removal. Then (much to her disappointment) I will be done. I've decided against radiation and probably won't take the pills she's recommended, either. The side effects (joint issues) seems pretty awful for a woman whose main problem....up until now...has been aching joints.

                

I truly believe this was an anomaly. Will spend my money on massages and reflexology, water aerobics and better eating. Those activities and use of limited discretionary income, will contribute to my overall wellbeing versus focusing on something that is, quite literally, gone.

Within about a week, I got back on my spiritual path, writing what messages I heard: 

First time I've cried since surgery. My spiritual self, comforting my inner child, who is devastated by the ugliness of the wound. A message comes to me. Sweet, soothing voice:

This body is not you. You are not this body.

Words that have now penetrated my deepest consciousness.

You are not this body. You are something else entirely...a light, a fully realized being who is in no way distressed by the state of affairs. The inner child is sad, she was scared. Her pain is real to her. Comfort her with love, not food.

There is no loneliness. There is only peace and health and a deeper sense of wellbeing than ever. Ever.

Now you can play with the body. Learn to see. Let nothing but light shine from you. Be of service to others. Rest. Find your center and stay in that space.

Look toward the stars. Move among them with ease. You are not this body. You may release every obstruction that may have prevented your total affiliation with the Universe. You are welcomed with open arms into the realm of knowing. You may still cry and those tears will lift you higher. Hug your friends with gusto. Kiss away any lingering fears with Mike's beautiful body and help him find his equally marvelous soul. You are not this body though while you're here, you are the role model for others who need to know how to let the soul be in charge.

Healing tears. Comforting the soul. Releasing the pain. Moving past. Spending time within The Light. Being with Lavender. Laughing out loud. Howl like the wounded animal that lives inside. She needs to be heard whenever there is an opening. Just know that you, nor she, nor the damaged inner child, is this body.

Be grateful that you can know this. Be happy. Or sad. Be what you will. Be who you are. That's who I love.

That's Who IS Love. Namaste.