Monday, December 7, 2015

Memories...???

Memories…

Watched a PBS special about memory/the brain. Perhaps I can understand slightly why Balboa didn’t want to publish my memoir. There is a chance that some of what I remember isn’t entirely “true” though it is my Truth. Each of us experiences reality differently and though the abuses I recall have made real pathways in my brain…I’m a writer, given to embellishment.
So I’m editing my book of essays. Much less revealing of the depth of abuse, but still, a memoir of sorts. Plus, let’s face it…just writing the first book helped me finish getting over any real or imagined abuses, so win/win!
That win/win is something I always seek. Found it!
Also whereas I only felt "done" when I sent in the manuscript for the book, NOW I feel "relieved"...again win/win.
All is well. Stay tuned!

And the bad news is…


I’ve been notified by Balboa Press that some of the entries in my memoir may be considered libelous. In order to use those poems I would need to get notarized statements from the people who I mention as being abusive (or just generally awful to me) before we can publish the work. Here is an example of something they consider potentially libelous:
Best friend’s brother, Scott
Stumbles through my small, sick world
Lusty, crazy nights!
Well, as it turns out, I don’t have to have a statement from people who are dead. However, in another complication, I DO need their permission (dead for less than 70 years…) to use images of me that were taken of me as a child.
Therefore, I’m thinking I’ve learned a very expensive lesson here. Somehow celebrities can write how horrible their childhoods were, but I can’t mention the things that happened to me! I asked the good people at Balboa Press, “Then, what, pray tell, am I recovering from?” as the book becomes an uplifting tome as I find peace of mind through recovery. (I have received no response though it’s been more than  week…)
At any rate, I’m not going to publish the book. It was a book I needed to write, but apparently not one I needed to publish. I’ll make a few copies for my friends and call it good (and I WILL use the childhood images…so sue me!)
Now I’ve got to notify all the friends who went to the trouble to give me copyright permission. I know they were excited to see their images in print (so was I!) It was a long and arduous process, tracking down people I hadn’t seen in decades, but I did it. Only to discover that I would also need to ask people to admit, in writing in front of a notary, that they had been mean to me ten years (or 50 years) ago! Yep, an expensive lesson.
So goodbye for now, Little Valencia…I’ll tell your story to a select few. But your dream of having other people see that recovery is possible…is dead for now. I’m sorry, dear little hurt child. You are nonetheless, loved by me and many others.
Alternate cover REVISED low res

Sunday, August 23, 2015

And on another subject all together...

I've recently submitted my memoir to the publisher. It got pretty complicated after submission, but I've already paid for it, so going forward. Here's an interesting note...once I submitted it, I completely lost interest in it. It's done. So am I!

That was not the response I was expecting. I thought I'd be excited (nope), anxious (pretty intense stuff in there), scared (of the reaction of family and friends) - but again, no...or relieved. Instead, I'm just done.

I'm already putting together my next two books in my head. Much of the text is written, just need to spend time putting them in a cohesive format.

Perhaps this isn't actually another subject at all...I do want to "leave" these words as my legacy more or less. So perhaps this is about death as well. Planning for the time when I'm no longer here.

Because I've spent a lifetime putting words on paper, I can't expect anyone to ever wade through them all (I can barely read an entire year's journal myself!) So my memoir is a condensed version of the ups and down of my life. Very condensed. Written in Haiku!

My next two books are written in (1) essay form and (2) fictionalized story form. Those will be easier to read for most people. Whether I publish them or not, I'll make sure to get them into book format before long. Or Valencia Bathe will...one of us!

At any rate, I'm a writer and now things are written. That feels good in a way. Mostly just glad it's over...the book, not my life...! I'll be putting words "on paper" for the rest of my life, whether it's a day or 25 years. Nobody will ever need to wonder how I felt about things! And so it is!


Thursday, August 6, 2015

Four articles of interest

Here's a place to read up on "the latest" in death and dying; four interesting posts. It appears to be sponsored by or part of PBS.

http://us3.campaign-archive1.com/?u=f254e8e727c963f12db297d6d&id=c04a302b1f


   AUGUST 6, 2015

Sunday, August 2, 2015

When I'm Gone by Rafael Zoeler

This is a most amazing, but fictional, story about a man who knew he was dying and left letters for his son. Most are somewhat humorous, some will give you goosebumps, but overall an uplifting experience. Take a few minutes to read it...and maybe you'll want to write a letter or two...

https://medium.com/@rafaelzoehler/when-i-m-gone-f1611ceb759f

The author says it's fiction, but it's powerful nonetheless. It's called "When I'm Gone" by Rafael Zoeler.

Not everyone gets it when I say, "Enjoy" when reading about death, but you just might enjoy this one.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

We are gone without leaving...

Stephen Jenkinson is featured in The Sun Magazine with an interview on death and dying. He reminds us not to hide from death, not to hide the fact that we are dying because we need to let those we love know what death looks like. Our society has a disease of "death fear" (my term) that paralyzes us. Jenkinson says it much better than I do. Thanks to his website Orphan Wisdom for this link:

http://orphanwisdom.com/sun-magazine-as-we-lay-dying

You might want to pick up The Sun, or spend a little time on Jenkinson's website or otherwise expand your horizons on this important topic.

And here's an amazing video that may help you see end of life in a different way, too. It's a young doctor doing a rap song...don't be afraid of the music... it's a good way to reach the younger generation. And an eye opener for any age!

http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2015/07/this-is-the-epic-rap-video-that-will-change-how-you-feel-about-dying.html



Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Your loved one is NOT starving...

Thanks to Dr. Scibetta for this informative article. 
A False Hope: Artificial Nutrition in the Dying Patient
by Colin Scibetta, MD (@colinscibetta)
GeriPal
My patient was dying and his family was terrified. Riddled with abdominal tumors and engorged gastric blood vessels, Mr. G, a 54 year old Korean man with advanced hepatitis B-related liver cancer would not survive this hospitalization. For weeks, he had suffered from progressive abdominal pain and distention, and had recently lost his desire for food and the ability to take anything by mouth. He had difficulty swallowing anything, and he felt like his abdomen was going to explode when he tried.
His large extended family, his wife in particular, was preoccupied with feeding him. On admission to the hospital she requested placement of a tube or an IV to deliver nutrition since he was no longer eating. She was adamant that we intervene soon, since it was clear to them that he was deteriorating and didn’t have much time. It was hard enough to watch him grow sicker with cancer, but they were not willing to watch him starve to death.
But, of course, he wasn’t actually starving to death. He was dying of cancer.
Anorexia at the end of life can be one of the most agonizing parts of the dying process for families to cope with. As one of the Palliative medicine fellows at UCSF, I am part of a consult service that is often called upon to help other doctors navigate the discussion around artificial nutrition at the end of life. Despite an awareness of what the medical literature tells us about the risks and benefits of these interventions, I struggle with how tough it is to counsel and guide grief stricken families through these complex decisions.
Is it ethically right to subject a dying patient to the surgical placement of a feeding tube when you feel strongly there is no benefit to be gained? What if if the family insists? Even within the team of providers, there isn't always agreement. My attending felt that the moral distress of the family was so grave that perhaps feeding tube placement might be reasonable as a way to give them peace and avoid conflict. But this patient was at the very end of his life, and I was not convinced.
I listened to their concerns and assessed their understanding of his disease (they knew he was dying) before presenting them with information on what we know about artificial nutrition in patients with advanced cancer. I emphasized that there is no evidence it improves survival, quality of life, nutritional or functional status and may in fact hasten death, if long term complications arise as they do 32-70% of the time. Both tube feeds and TPN can contribute to patient discomfort, decreased mobility and the possible need for restraints.
There is evidence that surrogate decision makers tend to overestimate the benefits while underestimating the risks of artificial nutrition. In one study the majority of patients had no improvement in quality of life after feeding tube placement according to caregiver report. In another study, physicians assessed that artificial nutrition was very unlikely to improve quality of life in cancer patients who survived 3 months or less.
While Mr G seemed interested in the information I offered, she continued to demand that we intervene. The patient, depressed and scared, was not interested in weighing in on the decision and looked to his wife to advocate for him. My recommendation that we focus on comfort instead of pursuing artificial nutrition given the risks and benefits was not enough to convince her that her that starvation was not what was killing her husband. She explained to me that food was the center of the their most celebrated ritual -- a weekly gathering of extended family for Sunday night dinner -- and the thought of him dying with an empty stomach was almost as distressing as his death itself.
Of course people are tortured by the concept of “starvation” of their dying loved one; food is the basis of life and defines how we show love for each other. But when a dying person can no longer eat, families can be counseled that showing love in other ways -- like respecting the bodies rejection of food, is possible and essential. I explained that artificial nutrition is not food, but rather an industry manufactured mixture of carbohydrates, protein and lipids. In patients whose bodies were close to dying from advanced cancer, food becomes unhelpful and unnecessary. Artificial nutrition, simply put, is not food.
The loss of appetite and the catabolic state that can accompany advanced illness is natural part of the dying process -- and in fact it can even have benefits. The ketotic state generated by the reduction of readily available calories can itself produce a sense of euphoria and is thought to be an endogenous mechanism to ease suffering when we need it the most.
In Jessica Zwitter’s recent NYTimes Well Blog entry, she offers a different perspective on the feeding of our loved ones at the end of life, one couched in the natural history of humanity and caregiving at the end of life. She writes that for the thousands of years, people have hand fed their dying loved ones through until their bodies were unable to take more.
“But hand feeding has increasingly become a quaint piece of human history. We fed until they would take no more, and knew that we had done everything we could. But with the feeding tube, we can, and feel we must, keep going. Patients frequently die with plastic tubes weaving mysteriously under their gowns, entering bodies at unnatural angles, rendering them a little more alien to us. Those who are most needed sit a little further away from the bed, afraid to dislodge tubes that are supposedly keeping their loved one alive. And the patient’s mouth will usually remain dry and empty until the end.”
In our data-driven approach to complex decision making, this refreshingly simple and rational perspective was helpful in my own approach to this issue. The image of directly hand-feeding our sick loved ones until their bodies aren’t able to eat any more is powerful and timeless. It comes from a basic nurturing instinct of our collective existence, one without G-tubes and PICC lines. It is a comforting reminder that death is as old as humanity and since the beginning of time no human soul has escaped its inevitability.
Mr. G died peacefully and comfortably in the hospital before any final decision regarding artificial nutrition was made. In his final days he had a few sips of water but remained unable to swallow much else. While it was not the outcome anyone had ever wished for him, I’m certain that we did him and his family a service by engaging them in a prolonged discussion about artificial nutrition over several days rather than immediately subjecting him to a procedure that would not have helped him.
Of course, it would have been simpler to feed him artificially. While the fee-for-service, time-crunched medical world we operate in certainly would have favored a more interventional approach over the hours spent talking with the family, it would have undoubtedly been of little benefit -- and possibly caused harm -- to our dying patient.
by Colin Scibetta, MD (@colinscibetta)